Archer Go
by Red Witch
Summary: The latest gaming craze hits the Figgis Agency.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters or any other characters has been captured by a ball. And I don't believe the things that come out of Mallory's mouth. This is just madness from my tiny little mind people.**

 **Archer Go**

Mallory was in her office looking at her papers and drinking some scotch at her desk. "How the hell are my bills so high? I could have sworn they sell champagne at a discount if you buy it in bulk."

Then Cheryl walked in, looking only at her phone. "Can I help you?" Mallory asked sarcastically. "Cheryl? Carol? Whatever the hell your name is? **Hello?** "

Cheryl ignored her. "Ah ha! Found you!"

"What are you looking for?" Mallory asked. "A brain cell?"

Just then Cheryl climbed on Mallory's desk. "Carol have you **lost your mind?"** Mallory shouted.

Then she stopped to think. "Stupid question."

"GOT IT!" Cheryl cried out. "YES! I got a Pinkarella!"

"You're going to get a **pink slip** if you don't get off my desk, you ditz!" Mallory shouted.

"HEY GUYS!" Cyril was shouting. "THERE'S A HERD OF FAN GIRLS IN THE BREAK ROOM!"

"I ALREADY GOT ONE OF THOSE!" Cheryl asked.

"You're going to get **something** if you don't get your clodhoppers off my desk!" Mallory shouted. "Carol! You knocked over my drink onto the bills! And that was good scotch!"

"Then again I could always use another one for trading," Cheryl thought before she got off the desk.

"If only I could trade **you!** " Mallory snapped as she followed Cheryl out the door.

"I FOUND A PURPLE POSEY!" Krieger was heard shouting.

"SO DID I!" Cyril shouted. "AND A PINKARELLA!"

"ME TOO!" Cheryl cheered.

"Just when I think these idiots can't get any more incoherent," Mallory groaned. "What in the nine levels of Hell is going on with you idiots **now?** "

"I was wondering the same thing," Lana said as she and Ray walked up to her. "Everybody's been walking around looking at their phones all day. Is it some kind of new game?"

"Yeah. Remember that Kyo-Kai thing when we investigated that supposedly haunted building a few months back?" Ray sighed.

"Is that the game with the scantily dressed bimbos running around fighting each other?" Lana asked.

"That's the one," Ray said. "Apparently, there's a new incarnation of the game. Kyo-Kai Capture."

"So is that like Pokémon Go?" Lana asked.

"It's comparable," Ray admitted. "Only instead of Pikachus and Charizards you capture Electrinas and Volcanias."

"I have no idea what you just said," Mallory blinked.

"Electrinas are female rip offs of Pikachus," Ray explained. "And Volcanias are female rip offs of Charizards."

"Again," Mallory gave him a look. "I have **no idea** what you just said!"

"You don't know what a Pikachu is?" Lana did a double take.

"They've only been around for twenty years!" Ray said.

"Well I never saw one!" Mallory snapped.

"Yes you **have!** " Lana said. "Remember the other day when you came with me to pick up AJ from day care?"

"And pay a huge check?" Mallory gave her a look. "Vividly."

CRASH!

"Sorry!" Pam called out. "My bad!"

"Can't have nice things," Mallory groaned.

"Remember you were commenting on all the little yellow cartoon characters on the kid's backpacks?" Lana asked.

"The ones that looked like yellow rats?" Mallory asked.

"That's a Pikachu," Ray told her.

"And I should know this **because** …?" Mallory gave him a look.

"Because it's part of this thing called popular culture," Lana told her.

"Popular culture," Mallory snorted in distain. "There's an oxymoron. Especially since popular culture is celebrated by **morons**."

"Putting your insulting at least ninety five percent of the population of the Internet aside," Lana rolled her eyes. "Odds are your granddaughter will know about them when she grows up."

"How?" Mallory asked.

"Because she's part of this thing called **every child** under the age of eighteen?" Lana gave her a look. "She'll probably end up playing one of those games when she gets older."

"Or see a cartoon about them," Ray said. "Or a movie, or read a comic. Get a toy based on them or find some clothes…"

"And where the hell would my granddaughter get something **so ridiculous**?" Mallory shouted.

Right on cue Archer walked by holding his phone. He was also holding a bag. "Hey guys! Guess what I got?"

"A new form of venereal disease?" Mallory asked.

"Ha, ha…" Archer gave her a look. "No! I was at the store and I got this cool new toy for AJ! Look!"

He pulled out a little blue plush doll. "I got her a Totodile doll!"

"It looks like a little blue alligator," Mallory blinked.

"Correction," Archer said. "A little blue alligator that can spit water."

"Don't squirt that thing at me!" Mallory warned.

"Not literally," Archer rolled his eyes. "Oh forget it. It's not worth explaining that to you! Your idea of popular culture is what wine to have at the opera."

"And that's not culture to you?" Mallory was confused.

"I FOUND A NUDIE-NUDE!" Pam shrieked with joy.

"WHERE?" Archer shouted.

"IN THE COPY ROOM!" Pam called out.

"COMING!" Archer shouted as he ran off. "PHRASING!"

Mallory sighed. "I withdraw the question."

"A Nudie- _Nude?_ " Ray asked.

"Please tell me that…" Lana groaned.

"It's **exactly** what it sounds like," Krieger grinned as he ran by. "WHO HOO!" He ran off.

"I swear the world makes up things just so it can confuse me," Mallory groaned.

"Needless to say Mallory," Lana sighed. "Pokémon and their rip offs are going to be around for a long time."

"Not to mention odds are Krieger's making his own homemade Pokémon in his lab," Ray groaned.

"Please tell me you are talking about those hacked computer programs and not actual **living breathing** Pokémon," Lana's eyes widened.

"I wish," Ray groaned.

"Oh dear god he would do that," Lana groaned. "Oh dear god if you count the Pigglys and the giant lizards he **has** done that!"

"And all the other mutants he's made over the years," Ray groaned. "Let's just hope none of them figure out how to mega evolve."

"How to **what?** " Mallory did a double take.

"You don't want to know," Ray sighed.

"Pikachus would be bad enough," Lana groaned. "But…Oh god. With all the toxins Krieger has used all the years odds are he might have enough to make a Grimer. Or a Muk!"

"What are **those**?" Mallory asked.

"You don't want to know," Ray groaned. "I hope he doesn't make any dragon types."

"Any **what?"** Mallory shouted.

"You don't want to know," Lana sighed. "Oh no! What if he decides to try to make an Eevee? Can you imagine what would happen if he did **that?"**

"I'm trying **not** to," Ray groaned.

"What is an Eevee?" Mallory asked. "And why would **that** be bad?"

"You don't want to know," Lana and Ray said at the same time.

"Why do I have the terrifying feeling that I should take your advice on this?" Mallory groaned. "So basically almost my entire staff is screwing around playing a video game all day?"

"I GOT A NUDIE NUDE! WHOO HOO!" Archer whooped.

"Sounds like it," Ray sighed. "I can't stand that game myself."

"Big shock," Mallory drawled. "Wait a minute…Do you have to **pay** for this game?"

"Yeah," Ray said. "And there are add-ons so you have to pay for more stuff."

"Son of a…" Mallory realized something. She stormed to her desk and picked up a bill. She looked at it. "I KNEW IT! STERLING MALLORY ARCHER!"

"He got your credit card again didn't he?" Lana sighed.

"Should have changed your password," Ray said.

"Shut up!" Mallory stormed out of the office holding the bill. "STERLING! STERLING COME OUT HERE AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

"OH WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW MOTHER?" Archer was heard shouting.

"FOR STARTERS THE TEN GRAND YOU BLEW ON THIS STUPID GAME!" Mallory went after him. "HOW DID YOU CHARGE IT TO MY ACCOUNT?"

"You really should change your password," Archer remarked as Mallory caught up to him. "I mean it's always Duchess. Not exactly a tough nut to crack."

"Speaking of which…" Mallory growled as she kneed her son in the groin.

"OWWWW!" Archer whined as he fell to the ground.

"Hey look," Lana said cheerfully. "Mallory got an Archer."


End file.
